[Police Radio Chatter]
[ Police Radio Chatter]
[ Man ] Get the truck in!
[ Chattering ]
[ Man ] Damn it! I said pullyour men back.
I don't want any more casualties.
Get that news crew behind the line!
- Sir! - I got men down. I got rumors flying.
What the hell's going on down here?
We tried the urban assault tank. SWAT tried the roof.
The guys in there are pros, and, sir?
- They say they've got a nuke. -Jesus!
And I'm up for reelection. What are we gonna do?
Don't worry. We've called in some pros of our own.
Who the hell are those people?
- Sheriff's department. - The Reno Sheriff"s Department--
the finest team of law enforcement officers ever assembled.
But where the hell's your commanding officer?
[Motorcycle Approaching]
[ Groans ] Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
All right, talk to me, people. What do we got?
Thirty-five civilians on the 40th floor.
Twenty-two Chechnyan separatists, heavily armed.
They say they got a nuke, and I don't think they're just whistling "Dixie."
All right, people, here's how this is gonna go down.
Jones, Garcia, head into the sewer system...
breach the perimeter of that building and get that nuke...
- before they flambé half ofWashoe County. - You got it, sir.
Kimball,Johnson, take up sniper positions, so and so.
- Got it. -Junior, I wantyou to shave Miss Acapulco...
- andshave hergood. - All over it, sir!
[Foam Hissing]
Wait, holdon, man. How comeJunior gets to shave Miss Acapulco...
and I got to go down in the sewers?
Why does he have to shave anybody?
[ Tone ]
[ Snorts ]
Oh, wow. I just had the weirdest dream.
- You know you're driving, right? - [ Screams ]
Huh. Nobody in it.
[Man Singing]
[ Continues ]
- [ Ringing ] - Is somebody gonna get that?
[ Continues ]
[ Straining ] Damn it!
[ Continues ]
[Fades Out ]
[ Williams ] Myfavorite thing about being a cop-
I love it when that perp get all scared ofyou.
You draw down on 'em. They get all scared.
"Oh, she about to kill me. Don't kill me. Don't kill me."
[ Laughs ] I love that.
I became a cop because...
my doctors thought it would be a good idea...
for me to get out ofthe house.
I feel like I bring a real, uh, joie de vivre to law enforcement.
For example, my uniform, uh--
I don't wear the regulation uniform. I--
I wear these, uh, shorts. [ Clears Throat ]
And I actually had to lobby the sheriff's department to get to wear these.
Uh, but my argument was, hey, I'm out there on the streets.
I gotta be able to move like a cheetah, you know.
A law enforcement cheetah.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's move! Move! Move!
We got ourselves a 8-1 4-- armed person on a roof.
I'll tell you right now, this is it. This is go time.
This is what working for the Reno Sheriff's Department is all about.
- Let's do it, people. Move! - [Siren Whirring]
- We got a situation here, Dangle. - We got a chicken.
- What? - Chicken situation.
- That's not an 8-14! - We got it--We got it wrong.
- Who called in the 8-14? - I did.
-Just chase him into the jacket, and I'll carry him. - What's an 8-1 4?
- Armedperson on a roof.. - Well--
- I thought a 8-1 4 was arson. - No, armed person on a roof.
- No, no, no, no. - Okay, okay, okay.
[ Clamoring ]
- Stop, chicken! Stop! - [ Gunfire ]
- Ah, shit! - Look out!
- [ All Ululating ] - I got it. I got him.
- Oh, shit. - Whoa!
[Williams ] Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!
- Chicken! - [ Shouting ]
- No, no! - I'm just knocking him out, that's all.
- Maybe he'll hold still. We can beat him to death. - Ready?
Ow! Shit! Whoa!
Can we all shoot at the same time?
You point and you shoot. Goddamn.
- Let's shoot at the same time? - Shoot at the same time.
Okay. That's the only thing that sort of makes sense.
- One. - No, I got Dangle's gun. Mine's out too.
- Is yours out? - Two-- And then that way, we-- we'll never know who did it.
Don't start a count and then stop.
- Oh, sorry. - Yeah, it's like a execution. Nice.
One--
- Sorry. My bad. - [Dangle ] What the f.uck?
One, two--
- What? I didn't know-- - Okay, on--
- Ah!
- What? - I'm out. - Am I out?
Oh, I wasn't out. Sorry. I thought I was out!
- They fit that little midget guy. - Aw, he's shittin'.
- Should I call the newspaper and have 'em come take our picture? - No!
You do one on both legs.
I have applied, uh...
nine times...
to the Aspen Sheriff's Department.
Um, I'll tell you this in-- in, uh, the utmost secrecy.
I-I just don't think I can do it in this town anymore.
You know, Reno's really a lot like Mayberry on the TV...
except that everybody's on crystal meth and prostitution's legal.
- [ Banging ] - Fuckyou!
- Ah, morning, gang. - Morning.
So, the trustees were up in the ducts all weekend...
and there should not be... too many more squirrels up in there.
So that sound that we were all hearing should, uh-- should be gone.
- [Squeaking] - I hear it. - No.
- I knew they didn't get all of'em. - Want me to get it,Jim?
No more shooting in here. Have we not been over that?
- Yes. No, we have. - We don't shoot in here ever, right?
When do we shoot? When is it okayto shoot in the building?
Never.
- Hey! - Hmm?
Guess what, guys? We... have... been invited...
to the American Police Convention in Miami Beach!
- Oh! - Oh!
- Is this ajoke? - What?
[ Singing ]
- Three days of.f.un in the sun. - Why did they invite us?
They invited us this year... because...
they invited everybody.
- I'll take it. - So they had to invite us by default. Yes!
[ Whooping ] Group hugs. Group hugs.
- I'm gonna pass out. - We get to stayin a hotel and everything?
- Yeah. - We do get to fly first class, right?
- [Laughs ] - Come on.
[Williams ] Flyin' in style!
We, um-- We are not flying--
[Man Singing In Spanish ]
I'm pooping.
- [ Screams ] - Aah!
- Oh, Christ, I was dreaming. - Whywas your hand on my dick?
I was dreaming that I was driving, uh, in the Indy 500.
Oh, God! Oh!
[Continues ]
[Fades ]
- Can we go look at the guns? - Yes, go look at the guns.
I'm gonna get our passes. Let's all regroup here in 90 seconds.
Oh, my God.
That's the Aspen Sheriff's Department.
SheriffWagner.
- Wrong bar, buddy. - No, no, s-- No, sir. Uh, I apologize.
I'm in my, uh, civilian rig.
- Youprobablyrememberme f.romyour-- - Name?
Dangle. Lieutenant, uh, uh,Jim-- uh,James Ron Dangle.
Uh, I sentyou my résumé and-and some stats and a couple ofletters of recommendation.
- Yeah. - And, um, about eight or maybe even nine times actually.
- There were nine. - Yeah. And you didn't get 'em, I guess.
We got 'em. Uh, we pass 'em around.
- We have a pretty good laugh. - [ Chuckling ]
I didn't believeyou were real. Here he is, guys.
This Dangle thing, I swearto gosh-- We thought itwas a joke.
- I haven't seen one thing-- - Mm-hmm.
- in your file-- - Sure.
that would indicate... ourwant ofyou.
So, thanks. No, thanks.
- I'd love to changeyour mind on that. - No, thanks.
Just want to press the-- Okay.
Hi. Yeah, could you step away from the helicopter, please?
Yeah, ma'am, I was just explaining how I used to fly these...
- during the Marine Corps back in '82, '85. - Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Is there someone aboveyou? You, can I talk toyou?
- There's, um-- Is thereyelling? - Who areyou?
Hi, I'm, uh, Deputy Assistant MayorJeffSpoder.
- And you're-- - Hi. LieutenantJim Dangle, Reno Sheriff's Department.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle, Reno Sheriff's Department. - Is his name in the system?
I did it several times. He is not in the system.
- Trudy did the reservations, right? - I will do it again.
- You did a name and city search? - Or not.
- There's no Reno. - There is a Reno.
- I am aware that there's a Reno. - We have an airport.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - Get him!
- Here we go. - Go and do it, Trudy.
What the fuck?
- I don't like yelling, okay? - Ifyou won't give us our laminates...
- can we have at least, please, our hotel room keys? - We ain't got no place to stay.
- We've been on a bus for days. - There's no--
- You're not in there for hotel rooms. Sorry. - Hotel room keys...
are with the registration packets, the brochures and the laminates.
And give us all ofthose right now, please.
You can't have them because you're not in my system.
- What are we gonna do? - You know what?
I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We don't need these guys.
- No, we don't. - No. - Fuck 'em.
- We have each other. - Well, that wasn't--
- That's not-- That's not better. - No, what I meant is...
we'll go someplace even nicer-- That's what we'll do.
[ CarAlarm Blaring]
- [ Gunf.ire ] - [Woman Screams ]
Hola. Scheiße!
- Hi. - Hello.
- How are you? - Hello. Good.
How are you? Welcome to I nternational I nn.
How many of them are you for my rooms?
Uh, there's eight of us foryour rooms.
Eight. How-- How many rooms doyou need? One?
- Uh, we would prefer eight. - [Junior] Eight.
Let's go see the entire hotel, shall we?
- I'll takeyou on a quick tour. - Well--
Then you can all get back toyour suck fest.
Uh, A: we're not here for a suck fest, we're here for the convention.
- There's been a little mix-up, which is why-- - Okay, I like convention "toos."
- Okay. - Look at me. I'm in a convention.
A fucking suck fest convention here at International Inn.
Hey, assholes. More assholes foryour big suck fest tonight.
How's the suck fest going, assholes?
You know the suck fest in here? [ Laughs ]
- How many rooms doyou have, Glen? - I have--
- I have-- uh, six rooms. -Just give us whatyou have.
- Can we have the keys to those? - You can have keys to six rooms.
- Okay, gang, and we'll-- - This matches. Grab that one there.
- That's it. - No, hey. Hey. Hey.
What are you doin'?
This motel is like--
It's like the kind of placeyou'd come to ifyou wanted to get...
a good old-fashioned rapin'...
or a down-home murder.
Okay, gang, I know we didn't get in.
- Yeah. - I know we're not stayin' at the nicest place in town.
But goddamn it, we're in Miami, people.
- We're in "Mee-ami." - It's true.
This city's got hot Latin flavor up to its nuts.
Goddamn it. Let's go paint this town red. Let's do it, huh?
- [CarAlarm Blaring] - [Man ] Hey, bitch,youshut that kid up, okay?
Thanks for drivin', man.
[Man ] No problem.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. [ Clicks Tongue ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Keys Hitting Ground]
Take the night off,Joe.
Need some assistance there, ma'am?
- [ Screams ] - [ Groans ]
[ Singing, Indistinct ]
- Hey, Clemmy. -Jimbo.
- Howya doin'? - [ Laughs ]
I'm so tired. I just feel likewe've been here foryears and years and years already.
Oh. Well.
- Let's go take-- - I need to get some smokes.
Oh, okay. All right. Okay.
Good night.
[ Garcia ] Damn.
Hey, bro, check it out. Candy underpants.
[ Laughs ] It's a goof.Just a goof.
[ Yawns ]
Hey,Jim.
You want to be a doll and help me lube up my sunburn?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ Retching ]
Stop right there and take it all in.
I got some liquor. I got some ice.
- I'm not feelin' well, baby. - Come here. Come here.
- Come here. - No, Ray-Ray, I'm-- I'm-- [ Coughing ]
I'm coming down with something.
Please?
[ Groans ] Ooh, that pisses me off. That pisses me off.
- Hey, Ray. - Shut up.
- Oh! Oh, hey, I'm sorry. - Stop pushing up on me.
I don't appreciateyou insinuating all the time that I am some lesbian.
- I'm sorry. - Thankyou for apologizing.
This is, uh--This is Trill. This is myfriend, Sugar.
We're gonna go play a little ball, aren'twe?
We'll seeyou later.
Come on, ladies.
- [Jones ] Oh! - [Johnson Laughs ]
- What's up, girl? - Mr.Jones, huh?
- Yeah. Yes. - Mr.Jones.
Why don't you come give me some sugar?
- Speaking of bushes-- - Whoa!
I don't know where there's one there.
Get one ofthese, uh-- Get one ofthem.
- Huh? Get in a bush and-- - No, I-- I'm--
I don't know about that.
- Oh. - [ Clears Throat ]
[ Coughing ] I'm so sick.
[Coughing Continues ]
Come on. Come on!
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
It ain't what it looks like! It ain't what it looks like!
Be gentle. Geez!
Oh, my God--
- Hey,Jonesy! - Oh--
[Screaming]
[ Screaming ]
[ TV: Man Speaking Spanish ]
Open up. I don't have a key to this door.
It's open.
- Oh, my God. Areyou okay? - Oh!
I 'm in love.
- Congratulations. - Um, you have a-- a bandage on your teat.
- For real. Like for real. - [ Chuckles ]
- A love bandage. - No, like a Ace bandage.
- Yeah, an Ace bandage on your-- - On your boob.
Oh, my Go-- Ifl have been stabbed, I am gonna be so pissed!
- Stop the room. Stop the room from moving, please. - Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on. You have something on your boob for real. No joke.
[ Gasps ] That's him!
- Oh! That's him. - Huh?
- That's him. - Who?
This is the man that's been making sweet, dirty love to me all night long.
Kinda looks like Richard Petty, the NASCAR guy.
- Yeah. You've been making love with Richard Petty? - I don't know!
I love him.
I have to find who this is.
- Well, no, we gotta go-- - I have to find who this is.
No, we gotta go back to the convention center, guys.
No, you have to go buy me some cranberryjuice...
'cause it's gonna be one ofthose days, I'll tell you.
- Oh, no. Yeast infection time. - I'll tell you.
[Siren Blaring]
- [Police Radio Chatter] - [Man ] I'm gonna break this down f.oryou one time.
- This looks bad. - We have a bioterrorism attack here.
- Holy fuck. - They were inf.ected with a toxin to which we have no antidote.
It is not identif.ied. Do we have any government off'icials here...
- from Miam i-- - I 'm the assistant, uh, deputy mayor.
J eff Spoder.
Right. What we need is someone who is high-ranking in the Miami Beach government.
They're all-- Everyone above me, um, is--
is stuck in the convention center right now.
You quarantined them in there, so I'm the acting, uh--
I'm actually-- I'm acting mayor right now.
All right, this is Acting MayorJeffSpoder.
Ifyou need any office supplies, get some copies made...
a stapler, it's this guy.
I-I'd like to coordinate with your, um, team to a-assess and handle the--
I'd love to know whereyou are at all times so I can avoid you.
That would be helpful. Now--
We have an infectious contamination in this building.
We have quarantined it. We have plus or minus 2,000 law enforcement officers...
f.rom alloverthis great UnitedStates of.America in there.
- 2,1 30. - Do we have any police officers at all...
outside the confines of this building?
Step up. Highest ranking off'icer.
Anybody?
Jesus Christ. You're in charge?
Sir, yes, sir. Wh-What are-- What are ya--What's going on?
All right, right now we got the entire Miami Beach police force in there.
- Check. - That means that these streets right now are unpatrolled.
I need every one ofyou out there...
answering 91 1 calls, patrolling the streets.
Department of Homeland Security is gonna be maintaining the perimeter.
There is no police force of any kind outside the building?
How the hell haveyou not picked this upyet?
- Go out there, patrol the streets. - Right.
You're the only thing standing between complete chaos and order.
Check! We're on it!
The Reno Sheriff's Department at your service, sir!
- Where's the, uh-- - Can we have a map?
- Where's the police station? - Where are we supposed to go?
[ Siren Whirs Down ]
It's all right. It's all right. I'm here.
- Rogers? - That's me.
[ Sighs ]
Holy shit!
Rick Smith, SWAT.
Theycall me "The Condor:"
I'm sorry I'm late to the barbecue. I was on a mission when I got the call.
Let me askyou a question, people.
What's the difference between bravery and courage?
- Oh, I know. Bravery is something that you do. - [ Dangle ] Shh. Shh.
Cour-- Sorry.
Bravery is when you do something dangerous...
and you're not even scared.
Courage is when you're smart enough to know...
you should be scared, butyou do it anyway.
Oh. [ Laughs ]
You will not fail.
I will not allowyou to fail.
Under mywatch, I will not allowyou to fail.
As God as mywitness, wewill not fail.
Areyou with me?
Uh--
- Areyou with me? - Is that--
It's okay. I know what I'm doing. I know the thing is out ofthe thing.
This can come out. This stays like this.
- Okay. - Areyou with me?
- Yes! - Areyou with me?
- Yes! - How-- Okay, the thing. Okay that came out now for real.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
No, it's okay. I got 1 0 seconds with these sons ofbitches.
- I got 'em. - Wait a second.
- [ Clamoring] - Oh, fuck.
Oh, man! That's how blood splatters.
Um, so does that mean we're back in charge?
Yeah.
[Man ] I scheduled a big Fridaymeeting.
[ Gasping ]
- [ Whistles ] - Wow.
[Phone Rings ]
- 91 1 -- - [Ringing Continues ]
Sheriff's department.
Hello-- Hello?
- Sheriff's department. - Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
91 1. Uh, yes, sir, what is the nature ofyour emergency?
Okay, where areyou?
No, in relationship to where I am.
I just have to check a map. I am s-- Hold on. Hold on. Can you hold, please?
- Hello, sheriff's department. - All right, uh, I can't-- I don't have a pen.
Uh, I don't have-- I don't--
Okay, people! Let's roll!
[ Cheering ]
- [Johnson ] DearLord. - My, oh, my.
[ Singsongy] My ride is greater than your ride.
[ Dangle ] Hey, everybody. Everybody--
- Let's be careful out there, okay? - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- Oh. - Oh. - Oh, shit.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm all right.
- I'm fine. - Go ahead. Go ahead.
[Man Singing]
[Man Singing: Spanish ]
Supposed to be--
We could've hit 1 1 th and Ocean, like, five minutes ago.
[Singing Continues ]
Wait a second. Are we on a street?
I think we're in a-- We're in a café.
- I thinkwe're in a café. - We're in a café.
Shit.
[ Over P.A. ] Sheriff's department.
Nothin'-- Nothin' to see here.
[Jones ] It took us 40 minutes to get out.
Ifyou would've turned right on María Buena--
- You didn't tell me to. - I did tell you to.
- No, you didn't. - Don't tell me what I didn't tell you.
- Sheriff's department! - "El departmento de sheriff."
- Oh! - Oh!
- [Garcia ] Oh, hell. Shit, no. - Oh!
- That's a NorthAmerican alligator, man. - Ah, shit. Okay, what do we do?
Uh-- Hell, let's just--
- Yeah, we should just go. - Let's just go.
J ust let nature take its course.
Hello! Therey'all are. You trespassin'.
- Sir. - You little sneaky trespassers.
- Get back in-- No! - [Jones ] Sir.
- Sir, please. Please get back in youryard. - How are we doin'? Hi.
- We got a situation here, sir. - Yeah, we got a situation.
- Couple blueberries comin' in and makin' a fruit salad, huh? - Sir, please!
- Sir. Sir. - No. No! Hey!
- We can't allow you to go in the pool, sir. - Why not?
That gatorwon't bite. You scared ofthis pretty little thing?
- I don't know, sir. - You scared ofthis pretty little thing?
He's a gator. Whereyou from? Whereyou from, you don't know gator?
- We're from Reno. We're not from here. - [ Laughs ]
- Oh, shit. - Hey, look. Look here.
Rule number one for gator-- you gotta respect it.
- You don't respect a gator, gator not respect you. - Don't touch it!
- Stop! - Theygot peripheral eye vision on the side.
I'm gonna come at him like another predator.
Not a prey, I come at him like a predator.
- Stop that. T.J., pleasejust stop all of.this. - Now look at this.
Now watch this. Watch this. Watch this.
- No. - Oh, okay.
Don't even refle-- 'Cause he respect me.
One, two, three, four, five, and then it split to a double.
That mean this gator 50 year old. He been attacked before.
He know how to approach. Now watch this. Watch this.
- No! No! - Watch for it.
- [ Garcia Shouting] Come on now! - I'm his daddy!
Come on. Get out. No.
- Okay. No. - Look at that. That gator don't bite. He don't do nothin'.
Well, that gator dead.
Yeah, this gator's dead.
Aah!
[Screaming]
This is the life. I am so gla--
How did we luck out, and all those other turkeys...
are dealing with that bio-attack?
I don't know. And guess what?
I don't care. 'Cause I'm shaking my shoulders.
- I'm shaking my shoulders. - Me neither. I don't care.
- Check it out. - [ Laughs ] Don't hate, ladies.
- Don't hate. - Don't hate on me.
- Don't hate on me. No, she didn't. - Stop it.
- Yeah. - Let me get yourvernacular straightened out...
'cause I don't wantyou embarrassing me in case we meet some people.
Okay, so ifsomebody comes up toyou and they say...
"Hey, Officer," whatyou gonna say back?
- Give it to me. - No-- No, you didn't, bitch!
[ Sighs ]
- So if somebody says, "Hey, how you doin'?" - Mm-hmm.
You just go, "What up, yo?" Got it?
What up, yo, player?
See, you keep putting extras on it. That's-- You don't follow instructions.
- You just supposed to say exactly what I told you to say. - All right, try it again.
- [ Clears Throat ] Hey, how you doin'? - Shut up, nigga.
I did it again. Ow!Jesus Christ, Ray.
- I'm hungry. - I'm afraid I did a terrible thing.
- What? - Well, I had to pee...
so instead of doing the whole bathing suit off...
I did the-- the pull over and out the side.
Oh, yeah, whereyou pull it to the side.
And I think I dribbled a little bit.
[Man Singing: Spanish ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
¿Coma mi amigo bailar en el discotheque-o?
I don't speak Spanish.
Hey! What the hell? Hey!
Shit! Ow!
[ Fingers Snapping ]
- How ya doin', guys? Eh? - [ Snorts ]
- [Together] Uh-- - Who is your little friend?
- We don't know him, sir. - Uh, we don't know that guy.
Oh, you don't know who this is?
- [ Together] No, sir. - [ Chuckles ]
You believe these guys?
- [ Revs ] - Oh! Oh!
- I get really sick and tired-- - I don't know you or anybody else--
- [ Shouting ] - [Screaming]
[ Screaming ]
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- We don't know him. - We don't know him.
I'm not a cop. I'mjust-- I'm here on vacation, man.
- How'd you know Mr. Big? - We don't know Mr. Big.
- What is your connection to Mr. Big? - We don't know Mr. Big!
- Why are you investigating me? - We're not-- Huh?
Look, you guys are smart guys, right?
- Yeah. - I knowthis.
- No. No. We're not. - All the other cops are imprisoned in that building.
But you manage to walk the streets. I don't know how you escaped it.
We didn't-- We couldn't get our passes, sir.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ]
You're very smart.
Huh? Huh? Get my message?
Oh! Oh! Man!
- Ow! Goddamn! - Turn it off.
Sick fuck! Who brings a weed whacker on a boat?
- You forgetyou ever see me. - [ Fingers Snapping ]
[ Both Screaming ]
Sheriff's department.
I got this tattoo the other day, um...
and I don't know where I got it, so I'm wondering ifl got it here.
Why don'tyou, uh, come back here. Come take a look at it.
Mmm, yeah.
Okay, so, the tattoo's on the left, right?
- Mm-hmm. - So, I don't know whywe're--
Well, you know, it's-- it's as much about where it's not, as where it is.
Get a sense here, ifl can--
- Ifl just-- - That's some beautiful work.
Thankyou. I'm hoping you guys can tell me whose it is...
because I'm really in pain here.
Hey! What the fuck?
- Oh. I was-- - Our fucking toilets need snakin' back there.
- I don't payyou to play grab-ass with the clients. - I was--
She came in and I-- You weren't around, so I was just--
- Snake the fucking toilets. - Got it.
- Seeyou later, Breen. - Fucking plumbers, man.
- Can I helpyou? - What's up?
So, we got a call that there was some lewd behavior going on on the boardwalk.
Possible prostitution.
Holy shit. Is that Terry?
That's Terry. That's one of our locals from Reno.
- Terry! - What?
- Hi! - What the hell?
- Whatyou doin' in Miami? - What's goin' on?
Look at your hair. That's fun.
- Terry, what areyou doin' here? - What do you mean?
I just flew in on myjet.
Terry, what areyou-- Did you follow us to Miami?
- Did you know we were coming down here? - No, I live here.
It's where my house is. I have 1 7 houses.
- This is where one of'em is. - Terry.
What did I do?
What--That's what we want to know. What did you do?
We got a call about lewd behavior on the boardwalk...
and you the only thing I see around here that could qualify... as lewd.
How is this-- I'm not lewd at all.
I don't even know what-- Lube or lewd?
- Terry. - What?
Why areyou here, and what areyou doing?
I just flew in. I'm recording an album.
It's called...
Terry: South Bitch: Live:
Fuck You, Dad.
And it drops in, uh, 2009.
Terry, when you are here, you are an ambassador for Reno.
Heavy on the "assador."
South "be-otch." [ Imitates Ping, Fart ]
- Knock it off. - Listen--
- I'm on wheels, yo. - What areyou covered in?
- Ew. Terry. - What? It's, uh, apple martini and lube.
- Ugh! - Come on, Terry.
That's not all you on. What else areyou on?
- What else areyou on? - I'm on fucking crack, yo.
The Department of Homeland Security has supplied us...
with some evidence collected bythemselves and the C.D.C....
f.rom the convention center.
And it is ourjob to put the pieces together.
Anyone have a theory?
- [ H isses ] - [Alarm Blaring]
- [ All Shouting ] - Oh, my God!
- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! - Put it back on!
Aaah! Whoo-hoo!
- Oh, God! Oh! - Come on. Be thorough, guys.
Oh! Aaah!
- You got some stunning abs. - Oh, thankyou. You know, I do, uh-- I work out.
- Really? - Uh, a good bit.
- Yeah, you yoga or something? - I do-- I do it all. I doyoga--
- You flexible? - I'm pretty flexible.
The thing is nowyou want to be sure when you do it though, to just--
You gotta, uh-- You gotta--
Whatyou don't want to do is get-- You want to get the waist up.
- [ Farts ] - Oops.
- Oh. - Excuse me.
- [ Laughs ] - Whoo. Sorry about that.
- All the spicy food up in here in Miami. - Occupational--
[ Coughs ] Occupational hazard.
[Siren Whirring]
Okay, okay, what have we got?
[ Shouting In Russian ]
C-- C-- C--
"Calmaté."
[Shouting Continues ]
- I noticed. - [ Laughs ]
[ Together ] Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs.
All right. Yeah.
Uh-- [ Stammers ]
[ Flies Buzzing ]
We gotta clear this beach. We gotta clear it now. I want good ideas.
Let's go. Boom. What do we got? Williams.
- You want me to come back toyou? - Come back to me.
- Come back to you. Trudy Wiegel. - I have an idea,J im.
- Yeah? - What about a telephone...
that you can actually smell through?
Uh, whale-related. Whale-related. Clearing the beach ideas.
- Not in-- Not inventions. - I have nothing.
-Jim, ifyou think about it-- - Who gave--Who gave topless a gun?
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Oh, no. No. Get down. Get down.
Okay, people, this is how we're gonna do it. Ready?
Here is our-- What kind ofwhale do we think that is?
- Uh, sperm? - Big one?
- Blackwhale. - A narwhal. A narwhal.
- Here's what-- Here's what we're gonna do. - Face the--
We are, perTravis-- perTravis andTrudy both--
- [ Wiegel ] What'd I do? - What we're gonna do is--
- Stickyour butt in the air. - we are going to--
- You putyour feet on it like that and then I'll helpyou. - get a rather large chainsaw--
-Jonesy!Jonesy! - We are going to make sushi cuts.
- Which is the hand-cut sushi and which is--when they roll-- - Inside out roll.
We're gonna make some crosscuts, crosscuts, crosscuts.
- I-- I like California roll. - Okay, we'll then roll each individual piece into a channel...
which we dig here to the ocean, perTravis.
- This is a channel to the ocean. - We're gonna chainsaw the damn thing?
- Yeah, into little sus-- Which one's the hand-cut rolls? - No one's paying attention.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
[Dangle ] Let's tryandget it. It's only 15, 20 f.eet. Howhardcouldit be?
In... five, six, seven, eight.
- And-- - [ All Straining ]
Do it! It's goin'! She's movin'!
- It's movin'! - I can feel it!
[ Straining ]
[Jones ] Five, four, three. Hut!
[Williams ] Go,Jonesy! Go!
- Oh! - Oh. Oh.
Okay, ready, people, on my count.
One, two, three!
Oh! Oh! Wait!
Wait! [ Shouting ]
[ Clamoring ]
[Dangle ] Get a Wet-Nap, people!
Good God! We got a officer down. We need a Wet-Nap!
So, when the chips are down and it's fourth and, uh--
- uh, fourth and, uh-- - Goal.
Goal. Who can you count on? LieutenantJimbo.
[ Laughs ] And... his associates.
Who shall remain nameless. There's too many ofthem to name at once.
- Trudy! Give me a "T." - No, we-- they shall remain nameless.
His associates. Anyway, all right, here we go. You ready, peeps?
- Yeah. - Let's do it to it.
And-- un, deux, trois.
Whoa!
- Go team! Go team! Aaah! - Ew! Ew! Ew!
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
[Jeff'] You blew up a wha--
You blew up a whale on-- on our-- our beaches!
There are people screaming at me now...
because you guys have been screwing everything up!
You bunch of jerk heads!
P. Diddy's boat is all covered in whale.
And then Shaq's boat, a piece of... whale--
- Don't touch me! - Sorry, I was just--
Now, you people--you have to start acting like this is a crisis!
And you have to get your stufftogether!
You need to strap it down!
Andget it together!
Now, I'm gonna go and listen on myphone...
to get yelled at some more!
So thanks!
- Sorry. - Bye,Jeff.
Okay, guys, nojoke. You heard littleJeff'.
We have got to strap it down.
- Okay? - What does that mean?
I have no idea. But you-- He said it specifically.
I think it means we've got to do better.
[ Siren Blaring ]
[Dangle ] What the f.uck, man?
- That's what the siren's f.or. - [ Garcia ] You gotta signal.
- You're supposed to signal! - Use your signal, f.uck head!
[Junior] Fuckin ' deaf., dude.
- [ Siren Blaring ] - We are on a hi ghly classified m ission...
from Homeland Security delivering vital materials to Captain Rogers.
E.T.A., 1.5 seconds.
- Whoa. Made it. - What have we got?
- Coffee, sir. - Here you go. Nice and hot.
I asked you for coffee. I didn't say to make a national emergency out of it.
We still haven't f.oundan antidote.
I n 24 hours, I'm gonna have over 2,000 dead law enforcement officers.
Not like you. Real cops.
If.you f.uck with me one more time...
I'm gonna fill up a tube sock with oranges.
I'm gonna beat you till I juice 'em. Then I'm gonna drink that juice in front ofyou.
And you're gonna beg me, "Why? Why? Why?" But I won't answer that question.
'Causeyou'll know it-- soyou'll getyour heads out ofyour asses!
- Get outta here. Go. - Now.
Louis, coffee.
- What are we doin'? - I don't know. We tried to do somethin' right.
Right? We give the guy-- Guywants coffee.
[ Screaming ]
[ Garcia ] Aaah! Why?
[ Fingers Snapping ]
- Oh, shit! - Come on, man!
- Dang! - Goddamn it.
You guys are pretty smart, huh?
- No. - No, we're not.
No, you keep saying that. No, we're not. We're not smart.
[ Fingers Snapping ]
What? Ricky, what areyou doing?
- Whyyou take one of my own, huh? - We don't knowthis man.
Whyyou work against me? Why the three ofyou and Mr. Big work against me?
No, we don't-- we don't know him.
- [Man ] I've neverseen those men in mylif.e. - I've never seen him!
- We didn't take him. We don't know him. - Watch this.
- Why... are you doing this? - You're gonna light somebody up on your own fuckin' boat?
That's really, really bright.
You came to my daughter's birthday party!
Bad decision. Guys!
You wore a hat on her birthday party!
Light this piece of"chit" up.
Don't light this chicken! Don't light this chicken!
Come on. Leave him alone.
- I said piece of"chit," not chicken. - I'll seeyou on the other side!
- [ Whimpering ] - Oh, God. Oh, shit.
- Watch the hat. - Oh, my God!
[ Screaming ]
[ Crying ]
Oh, my.
Sheriff's department.
I need to know ifyou've seen me before...
and ifl got this done at this establishment.
No, ma'am.
- Show me the other side. - No.
- No, it looks--They're twins. - You got anything down there?
Actually, I have nothing down there.
-Just like a Barbie. - Hey, hey, hey.
- [Williams, Wiegel Singing] - [Phones Ringing]
[ Continues ]
- [ Vocalizing ] - [ Ringing Continues ]
[ Beat-Boxing ]
[ Ringing Continues ]
[ Vocalizing ]
- Ow! - [Ringing Continues ]
Ow!
- Ow! - [Ringing Continues ]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-- [ Choking ]
[ Clears Throat ] We have received a noise complaint...
at the residence of someone named Suge Knight?
- 421 1. Here we go. - Suge Knight.
This is a house, huh?
[ Laughs ]
- Mr. Suge Knight? - [Rap: Indistinct]
- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!
Mr. Suge Knight!
[Rap ]
- Shit. - Hi. Hi. Hi.
Uh, we're gonna need to find Mr. Suge Knight.
We're gonna need to get the music turned down, okay?
Uh, ex-excuse me. Uh, d-doyou know a Mr. Suge Knight?
"Soog" Knight. Suge--
Areyou Suge? Areyou Suge?
Areyou Jay-Z? Areyou any of'em?
- I don't think so. - Uh, it's his birthday.
- It's Suge Knight's birthday? - Suge Knight's birthday.
Hey, when are they doing the cake for Suge? Does anybody know?
Okay, I am standing right here!
I am using my outside voice, and I am very angry right now!
I want the music turned off right now!
I am so serious, it's not even funny!
The music goes off right now!
[Stops ]
And now that I have your attention...
we have a special message for the birthday boy...
from Miami's...
number one strip-o-grams.
That's right, birthday boy.
[ Singing ]
That's right.
[ Both Singing ]
[ Stop ]
[ Yawns ]
Listen.
[Wiegel] What?
No phones. No 91 1 calls.
- All right. - It's a city under control, people.
- Wow. - Reno S.D.
Reno S.D. All right, okay. Okay. [ Clears Throat ]
- It's 0200 hours right now. - [Williams ] Mm-hmm.
I don't thinkwe're any good to this city unless we get some rest, okay?
Let's take a-- like a hour and a half.
We'll regroup here at 0330, okay?
Get some rest. That is an order.
[Dance ]
'Cause it's dirty! Yeah!
[ Continues ]
You need me to hold your drink foryou? It's all right. She's good.
Oh! What!
In this corner, we got our undefeated champ...
and in this corner, we got some old, weird uncle ofsomebody's and shit.
Yo, man, you need to bring it.
Come on. You scared?
- [Man ] Ohh! - Needsecurity.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Neon Buzzing ]
[Footsteps Approaching]
- Hey, there,Jim. - [Door Closes ]
What do you say?
Trudy, don't cry.
- Oh, God, I'm so humiliated. - Okay. Oh, God.
Trudy. Trudy, please don't cry.
Jim, I was just hoping that maybe one time...
-you and I could just sort ofhold each other and-- - I know. I know.
Trudy, you know I'm playing forVisitor, okay?
- Mm-hmm. I-- I had a hunch. - You had a hunch?
- Yeah. - Did you?
Jim, would you just give me a pity fuck?
[ Sighs ]
[Plastic Bottle Bouncing]
[ Burps ] I thought that would break.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
[ Vocalizing]
[Man Singing]
[ Clanging ]
[ Continues ]
[ Squeaking ]
[ Continues ]
- [Ends ] - What the fuck? What the fuck? There's someone filming us!
- Ow! Ow!J im. Ow. Ow. - What? I know.
- It's caught. - You're caught on one of my pubes.
- Mywatch. Mywatch is caught on your pube. - Ooh.Jim. Ow!
- Don'tyank it. - Well, that's what we get for tryin'.
Don't jiggle. Please don't-- Ow!
I'm trying to get it. Goddamn it! Ifyou'd hold still, I'd get it loose.
- You're caught on a pube. - I said this was a bad idea.
Well, I'm sorry! This wasn't my idea to begin with.
Meanwhile, mywatch is caught in your pubes. And I'm sorry.
- Okay, let's do it like a Band-Aid. - Ready?
- Okay. - One--
Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I'm anticipating.
How did the 91 1 switchboard come unplugged?
Because we had to unplug it to plug in the popcorn maker.
Don'tyell-- Don'tyell back at me.
I'm not-- in no mood for my own tone ofvoice, okay?
Sorry.Jim, we got a lot of missed calls here.
- [ Gasps ] Ooh, you guys. - [Johnson ] What?
There's a domestic dispute on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's boat.
- [ Cheering ] - No, it's not.
Easy. Got it. Easy, easy. That's an easy one.
Done. Done, done, done. Let's move.
- [ Sirens Blaring ] - [ Tires Squealing ]
[ Dangle ] What the fuck, man?
- Mr. and Mrs. Pitt! - Sheriff's department!
- Sheriff's department!
- [Gunf.ire ] - [ Screaming ]
[Dangle ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Okay. Okay, my-- - [ Williams ] Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I am so tired ofyou Renos.
I'm sorry this is the end of the road foryou.
But you see, I created this Brangelina trap...
because you are the last thing standing in myway.
[Junior] Between what and what?
Between running this town.
- [ Firing ] - [Screaming]
Freeze, you fuckin' little monkey!
F.B.I. Nobody move.
Are you kidding me?
F.B.I., you know-- Catch it. Yeah, you said.
- Get down. That's it. - [ Screaming ]
- Hey! Hey! Hey! - Hold me! Hold me!
- That's it. Let's go. You stay right whereyou are. - We're not movin'.
- Go, you flies in the ointment! - [ Screams ]
Get him! Get him!
[ Man ] F.B.I., you broke my heart!
You broke my heart!
- [ Guns Clicking ] - Oh, shit.
[Woman ] Holdyourf.ire!
- Holdyourf.ire! - That's good. I'm out.
- Yeah, me too. - He is gonna lead us to Mr. Big.
- He has the antidote for the bioattack. - For the convention center.
- You're undercover F.B.I. -Just fucking amazing.
- [Johnson ]She earnedit. - Yeah, I am. It's amazing.
- You got a little bit-- - Do I--Yeah.
- On both sides. - Oh, do I? It's all right, 'cause I'm gonna keep doin' it.
This whole goddamn thing is busted wide open,Jeff. Busted open like a $2.00 piñata.
The F.B.I. has had a mole in with this drug jefe for months.
She knows everything. She knows names. She knows dates. She knows places.
She can connect the drug jefe to the bioattack.
She can connect the bioattack to this Mr. Big.
She can connect Mr. Big, the bioattack and the drug jefe to the antidote.
We get to Mr. Big, all ofthese cops are fine. This bird is gonna sing.
- She's gonna sing like a little bird. - Where--And where is she?
It's a 23-delta-one, sir. Massive cocaine overdose.
You're fired.
All ofyou.
Um, hand in your badges.
Out of Miami.
- I'm sorry,Jeff. -Just don't sayyou're sorry.
- Okay. - I'm sorry,Jeff.
Don't-- S-- Don't say that you're--
- Our bad. - I have to apologize.
Don't say anything.
- We suck. - No, j--
- I am really sorry, you know. - Don't sa-- I s--
- You know. You know how shit goes d-- - No, I--Just go.
- Sorry. - Go. Go.
I have some regrets. I, uh--
It may seem dumb...
but they had one of those six-person bicycles.
We never got to ride it.
Yeah, might as well take this and--
"Miami's only 24-hour tattoo parlor.
"Ron's Discount Tattoo. No waiting.
Hepatitis free." Oh, my God! I think this is it.
Sheriff's department.
- Ron, I'm looking for Ron. - Hello.
- Ron. - Hello.
- Buddy. - Yeah?
Doyou rememberme at all? Please sayyes.
Oh, hey, I don't recognize the face, but I certainly recognize the cleavage.
How are you, Clem? We didn't know you was fuzz.
- You remember Paul, right? - Hiya. Yeah, hi.
- Howyou doin'? - Nice to seeyou.
Please, I-- I am in-- I'm in hell here.
- Who is this? - Oh, that came out real clean.
- That's good work, Ron. - That is a tight tit tat.
Thanks. Help me out.
- All right. Well-- - Who is it?
Okay, well,you come in with this guy. He was an olderguy.
Looked to me like-- I don't know-- he was homeless. Wouldn't you say, Paul?
Yep. Hobo.
And you got his face tattooed right there on your tit.
So-- [ Chuckles ]
- What you're sayin' is I wandered in here-- - Stumbled.
Stumbled in here... with a vagrant.
More or less. Yeah.
And I...
defaced my chest--
No,you-- y-you facedyour chest.
If.you want, we could coverthat up.
I could make a unicorn out of that.
Freehand. I do everything freehand.
We screwed up pretty good.
We let Jeff the acting mayor down.
But we're big enough...
to admit when we made a mistake.
And... we're smart enough to fix it.
We're gonna make it up toJeff.
And how are we gonna make it up toJeff?
The best waywe know how, that's how.
- Ice cream cake! - [ Cheering ]
[Woman ] Coming!
- Here I come! - She's coming.
- I'm almost there! - She's almost here.
All right, who's he--
- Oh! Hello! Look at all ofyou. - Hey.
How many? Trick or treat.
- Yeah, is that what you want? - Well, no, we came--
- Is Jeff around? - Yeah. Yeah. He's cleaning his room.
- Oh. - So disappointed in that boy.
- Yeah, he's-- he's-- - Oh, God, it's a mess.
- Yeah. What do you want? - Well, he's kinda disappointed in us...
- so we brought him a ice cream cake. - [ Gasps ]
Oh, my God! [ Mutters ] Ice cream cake!
Oh, she loves ice cream. Oh, my God!
- Chocolate chip? - No,just vanilla. It's just a vanilla.
All right, come on in.
- Jeff'! - He's, uh, in his room there?
-[Woman ] Caref.ul of.yourshoes, please. - Watch out foryour shoes.
- Hey,Jeff. - Maybe this would be cheaper than babylaxative.
Those pennies add up.
Take a bow, Reno cops.
- You-- Good job. - Didyou set me up, man? 'Cause if.you did, man--
What the hell are you even saying?
How clear could I have made it? Leave no connection between us.
- I don't leave nothing, man. I see these guys on the-- - Don't leave nothin'.
Then we don't have to worry about them coming with a camera and--
Oh, my God! Here they are!
How did they figure out that we were gonna poison everyone...
in the way of me being the mayor?
And then you, with all ofyour drug contacts and distribution...
was going to turn this state...
into the biggest narco empire on planet Earth?
- Well, they figuring it out now. - Well, obviously, yeah.
Obviously, you guys put it all together.
That's exactly right, Spoder. We figured it out.
- Mm-hmm. - A-All ofit.
- Amen. - And--
Could you go over the middle part again, whatyou were doing?
Oh, I'd be-- I'd be happy to repeat the middle part.
- Okay. - Um, our plan was--
- All right, everyone. Everyone. Everyone, get back! - [ Clamoring ]
Get back! No, no, put that away!
Close the case. Close the case. Close the case and give it to me.
- Give me the antidote! Give me the antidote! - Give him the antidote!
- Okay. - Sorry.
- Hey, man. - You're on your own.
- No, you know what you are, man? - What?
I say, you know what you are?
You're haza. You're haza, man.
I've understood, like, every third word you've said to me the whole time I've known you.
And you know what? I don't really care.
'Cause all ofyou-- [ Laughs ]
get a load ofSpoder! [ Laughs ]
- Oh-- - Whoa!
Okay, okay. Okay.
[ Without Accent ] This isn't me. This isn't--
- [Dangle ] What happened toyouraccent? - [ Williams ] Whoa.
My name is Ethan. I live just outside of Denver.
- Shut up! - Well, not anymore. No, I live here now.
Originally, I'm from Fort Collins.
I was dealing blow in Colorado, all right?
Uh, but it was a-- a fruitless thing to do-- No one cared.
It's hard to sell coke there.
I don't know whether it's the elevation orjust the way oflife there.
They're more interested in, uh, like, you know, mush-- mushrooms and acid and stuff.
- This was, uh-- - Hey, there's the, uh-- antidote--
- Doyou have more ofthat here or is it all with him? - No, he took all ofit.
- He has all ofthe antidote. - Oh, shit. We should wrap this up.
Like I told you, I will giveyou anything you want.
Uh, as long as I get immunity here. I don't care.
- I'll rat that guy. - I thinkwe can do that. That's cool.
- I thinkwe can do immunity, right? - Thatwould be the greatest.
- No immunityto bullets. - Oh, God!
- [Screaming] - [Dangle ] Oh, God!
[ Sighs ]
- Let's get him! - Oh, my God! Get him! Get him!
- Go! Go! Go! Go! - Ow! Ow! Ow!
Shit! She's stuck! She's stuck!
- Push me! - Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go the otherway! Go the otherway!
Otherway! Otherway! Other way! Other way! Other way!
- Go! Go! Go! - Hey, what's going on?
- You stay right there, Mrs. Spoder. - Why are you going away now?
- [ Dangle ] You're a material witness, Mrs. Spoder! - We're gonna come back f.oryou.
- Can somebody help me? - Spoder!
- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Drop it! Drop it right away, now!
Oh, my God! Jesus!
Hey! Hey!
What the fuck? Did they-- Did they run away? No running away! What the fuck?
- Go! Come on! Go! Go! Go! - All right, you want a chase?
- [ Dangle ] He's goin'. - [ Gunshot ]
- Oh, time out. - [Johnson ] Hang on, Wiegel!
- [ Gunshots ] -Jeff!.
- Travis! - Give it up!
-Junior, don't play God. - Travis!
- Out ofthe way! Police pursuit! - Whoa!
- [ Dangle] You gotta-- Son ofa--Jesus! -Junior! Halt!
- Whoa! - I got him!
- Come on. Let's go for it! - Get out ofthe vehicle now!
- Ohh! - Nice one.
- [Jeff'] You don't wanna go where I'm goin'! - [ Dangle ] Why not?
- Go to the left! - Miami cops!
- Ohh! Ohh! - [ Horn Honks ]
- Oh, my God! - Oh! Hey!
[Man ] Assholes!
- Don't you dare! Don't you dare! - Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
Hey! Hey!
- Watch where you're shooting! Jesus Christ! - We're between you and him!
[ Bell Clanging ]
- He's gonna jump that bridge! - I know. I know.
- He's gonna do it! - [Jeff] I'm gonna jump it!
- Hammer ofthe gods! - [Johnson ] He's gonna jump it. Shit!
- Whoa! - [ Dangle] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Oh, that hurts. - Oh, my neck.
- Everybody, hey, hands up! Hands up! - [ Gunshot ]
- [ Screams ] - Get down! Get down! Get down!
- No, no, I mean-- I mean, stand up! - Get down?
- No, don't get-- I swear to God! - Tell us what you want us to do,Jeff!.
Everyone, stand up and look at me! Stand up and look at me!
- Stand up and look atyou. - Putyourguns down, everyone! Kick 'em away!
- K-Kickyour guns away. - Kick 'em away?
Don't walk after them! Kick them away from you and stay where you are!
- Kick them and step back? - Kick them away and step back!
- What are you doing? - I'm kicking them and stepping back.
Step back!
Guess what? I'm glad it came to this.
I'm glad thatyou douche-nozzles ruined my plan.
Because now I am drunk on unprecedentedness.
- Andth-- What, Dangle? - Unprecedentiality.
- [ Machine Gun Firing ] - I will think of.some-- Stand up!
Final words. Johnson, go.
Um, um, uh, legalize it?
Great. Fine. Wiegel.
- Okay, when I was in the fourth grade-- - Enough!
- Dangle, last words. - Uh, he, uh, uh, uh-- he loved it.
- Great. - Shit!
- All right, no, that's your last words. - Jeff'--Jeff', no, no!
- That's your last words. - That's not my last words! My last words--
- Here we go. Ready? - [Kimball] No, I thinkyou should talk to him more!
[Jones On P.A. ] Anybody call for backup? Yeah!
[ Garcia On P.A. ] "El departmento de sheriff."
Die, you whirlybird motherfuckers!
[ Garcia ] No, I got it. Shit. Hold on.
Goddamn-- No, I got it. Shit. Son of.a bitch.
[Jeff'] I give up, whirlybird! I give up, whirlybird!
- Whoo! Ha, ha! - [ Wiegel] We did it!
[ Laughi ng ]
- [ Laughi ng Conti nues ] - I need the extender!
I need the-- another set of cuffs. He's too chubby to fit 'em.
Yeah!
[ Laughing ]
I'm not chubby. This is protective karate fat.
- Protective karate fat. You know what? - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Tell it to the judge, Spoder.
Nice work, people. Nice work, indeed.
You know, I know we're probably not the smartest bunch of cops in the whole world.
Probably not the best trained.
Probably not the smartest bunch of cops in the whole world.
Individually, I don't think we look like much--
- a couple of colored people, some white folks, a lesbian. - Sir, I'm not--
But I-- I think the important thing is--
Know what we are? Does anybodyknow what we are?
- A squad? - Gorgeous.
- Squad. Gorgeous. - People.
- People. All sort of right. - Broke.
- Rope? - Broke.
Broke. All pretty accurate.
- Heroes. - I thought you said rope.
Heroes-- Can I fini-- Okay, can I fuckin' finish the thing I was gonna say?
[Junior] Shit!
That was my bad.
- Was that the one Jeffwas in? - Yeah.
- Anybody-- - Double-time. Double-time.
Double-time. Double-time. Trudy. Trudy, double-time.
[Man On P.A.] If.you were inside the convention center...
Iet's haveyou line up to be inoculated.
We have an antidote. We need everyone to line up now, please, in an orderly fashion.
- H i. - [ Clears Throat ]
Look, you don't have to thank us.
I know.
You did your job. Barely.
So what?
Well, good ridd-- riddance to you too. I mean--
These were literally right in front of me.
[Williams ] He's getting his badge.
[ Cheering ]
- Heroes. - We did it.
Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Hands in. Hands in.
- That's my team. A teamwork team. - [ Together] Reno!
Best sheriff's department in the world.
I bet we're gonna make the national real deal.
- We rock. - Dangle. Can I talk toyou?
- You could-- - Yeah. Sure.
You're something to behold when you are in action.
I'm impressed.
And I have been wrong aboutyou. I want to make it right.
I want to inviteyou to the Aspen Sheriff's Department.
We'd likeyou to join us.
[ Sighs ]
SheriffWagner...
the Reno Sheriff's Department isn't just my coworkers...
they're like my family.
But they're also...
the dumbest group of people I've ever met who weren't legally retarded.
So I-- I would like a new family.
And I'd like that family to beyou guys.
- You're awesome. Yes, I accept. Thankyou very much. - Boys.
Guys, I'll seeyou! I'm going, uh, to Aspen.
- What? - Well, when areyou gonna be back?
Uh, won't. Won't be back. I'm taking a job at the Aspen Sheriff's Department.
- [Wiegel] What? - You're quittin'?
Yeah. I'm not quitting. No. I mean, well, I am.
Jim, you're just gonna leave me here?
- No, I'm gonna leave all ofyou here. - I loveyou.
- I know. I know. You've always loved me. It's fine. - Oh.
I'll see you guys. Where doyou guys ski?
Doyou guys ski Ajax or doyou guys ski Snowmass?
- Hold mine too. - Sure was a good time.
- [Williams ] Oh, he's not holdingyourbag. - Whoo!
- [Johnson ] Hey, Terry. - [ Humming ]
- What areyou doing here? - Terrywas giving tug jobs on the East Coast out here.
He says he's out here recording his album.
I am recording my album. See, I have a violin.
- [Wiegel] Mm-hmm. That's a ukulele, Terry. - Your mom's a ukulele, Terry.
We're getting on the bus and going back home. We're not in the mood foryour high jinks.
I'm not taking the bus, 'cause A: it smells like farts.
B: I have my own jet, okay, that my dad bought me for Flag Day.
- I already told you that. - Terry, you gonna takeyour limo?
I'll take mylimo. Yes, that's correct.
And my limo driver, Barry Baum.
- Yourlimo driver Barry Baum-- - That's his name. Barry Baum.
- is gonna takeyou toyourprivatejet? - Here it is. Oh.
Hey, look at my "lim'." It just appeared.
- Hi, Barry Baum. - Sir.
- Sir, is your name, in fact, Barry Baum? - Thankyou.
I'm Barry Baum, yes.
You guys want a ride or doyou want to ride in the fartmobile?
- I got shotgun! - No, let's go.
- Yeah. - Let's go.
Whoo! Here it is!
- SuperTerry Airlines. - [Jones ] Oh, my God.
- Come onboard. It's so fucking sweet. - Holy fuck!
- Ta-da! - Dad!
- Fuck You, Dad. - Fuckyou, Dad.
Fuckyou. [ Laughing ]
- Doyou like the new album orwhat? - I love the new album.
- Listening party. Monaco. - Oh, sign me up.
- I like the hair. It's so Stamos. - Thankyou. Thankyou. Who's your friends?
These are my friends from Reno. They're the police officers.
Nice to meetyou, sir. You have a wonderful son.
Oh, thankyou. I know I got a wonderful son.
We've arrested him several times for giving blow jobs on the street corner.
- Quick impression. - That's you.
Is this, uh, really, uh, hisjet up here?
This is his jet. I gave it to him as a gift for Flag Day, remember?
I do remember. Oh, that was a great Flag Day. Probably my best one.
- TheJacuzzi's on. - We can get a ride?
- Sure. - Thankyou, sir.
- I didn't believe you. I'm sorry. - It's okay. I love you guys.
- [Williams ] Oh, my God! - [Junior] Thankyou, Terry.
- Oh, wow. - [Jones ] Whoo!
- [Laughing] - Whoo!
Um, as you know, we have, uh...
faced violence and danger on a daily basis...
- throughout our career, uh, via weapons... - [ Chattering ]
such as knives, shivs, forks, things like that.
The department wants us to be aware of something else.
They have issued us, uh...
a requirement to carry Handi sanitarywipes for the deadly fluids.
[Humming]
Hi, guys.
[ Sighs ] [ Continues ]
I'll take it from here.
- Thankyou. Thankyou, guys. - [ Continues ]
[Dangle ] I wanna-- [Sighs ]
I got out to Colorado...
and I went out, uh, and stood...
at the top of a mountain they-- they call Ajax.
And I looked down the mountain, and I looked at all the runs.
And I could see the way that the runs intertwined.
- They found outyou were a-- - Yeah, they did. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. They got a zero tolerance on that one over there.
I just want to say I know that, um--
I know thatyou came back for me.
And I appreciate it.
- We'll talk later. - Okay.
- Sorry, gang. - [Dangle ] It's okay.
No betterwayto showyouraff'ection than a quick... wiener cupping.
- Hey,J im, you know what you missed while you weren't here? - What's that?
- Pajama Tuesdays. - Oh, sweet!
Which, uh, she was only one who really participated in.
And I think that she did not do it on purpose, but then tried to play it off as Pajama Tuesday.
[Dangle ] Hey, gang!Amazing news.
Oh, my God. We have been invited to take part in Handcuffs Across the Water.
- [ Gasps ] - We're going to Scotland Yard!
- Yes! - [All Cheering]
[ Gunshot ]
All week long I've been looking for this guy.
And he's on my boob, and he's on my boob forever, you know.
And I don't-- I don't know who this is.
I don't know who this is, but damn it, Garcia...
- I just thought finally, you know, I can-- - Yeah. Yeah.
- can come home to somebody. - MyGod, I had the same thing happen to me. I--
Right there.
- Kinda. - You got a tattoo.
- Please, go on the other side of the fence. You don't want-- - On the other side of the fence?
I want to find out what your halflives like. Lulu!
[ Singing ]
[ Ends ]
- What areyou doing? - Huh?
- What is that? - I'm giving you whatyou're asking for.
You wouldn't dare shoot me. And I'll prove it.
- Holy shit! - Okay, step out ofthe pool.
Look atyou! Wow.
You are, uh, in high school.
Junior high. I'll be 1 4 next month. I missed seventh grade.
[ Laughing ] Hey! Fourteen! Next month!
- No, well, I'm a wholeyear olderfor my grade. - That's great. Good foryou.
- Howareyou? - I'm running away from home. So fuckyou and fuck Iowa.
- I'm leaving with my man. - She's not-- She's not-- She's not running away from home.
- Come on. Let's go. Let's go. - No, no, no, no!
- Come on. - Is it the uniform? Is it the uniform?
- I can take it off. - No, no, no, no.
- No! - I can take it off!. No, I'll take it off!.
Joe.Joe.Joe. We'll get in real trouble with this.
I'll be bad. Look, I'll beyour naughty schoolgirl!
- No! No! - No! That's not really--That's not really funny...
- ifyou're actually still in school. - I have on really cute under--
- They're fuzzy hearts. - No, no, no!
- Touch my fuzzy hearts! No! - No, no, no!
No!
Very, very nice to meet you. You have a very good drive back to Iowa.
- No, no, no! - Why? [ Sobbing ]
Call me when you're 1 6.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Easy. Easy does it.
Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy.
Tru. Tru. Easy. Easy. Easy. Wait. Okay.
I don't know. I saw this in the movies once.
- It doesn't go like this. - I don't think-- I think I'm supposed to be whereyou are.
- Auf.Wiedersehen. - Auf.Wiedersehen.
- All right. - She speaks Dutch.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Tell me the truth.
You are a lesbian, right? I ain't gonna tell nobody.
I don't know how many times or how manyways I have to say this.
I am not a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure she is.
Get back on your Commie fuckin' raft, and get the hell back to Cuba.
And you know what? Tell Castro we said, "Hey, what's up?"
- [ Gunshots ] - Now!
[ Phone Rings ]
You knowyou're going through X-ray, don'tyou?
How does it work? What the hell kind ofa--
- Oh, see, it's like that. You put it in, and then you-- - Don't-- Don't do that.
- Okay. What's that for? - This gets the resin out, and then you-- Here.
- You suck the resin off. Get high. - Don't, don't, don't--
But you can also do a shotgun-- You can shotgun it too.
Well, wait, I can-- No, you shotgun it off ofhere. You light the middle.
- And then you light it, and you go-- - Oh, that's shotgunnin' it.
- Double bong. Double bong. - Please-- Please don't do that.
- You suck on that. You suck on this end. - That end right there--
- And then you-- - Okay, no--
- What does it do? - That is inserted in the anus...
and then you pull this to extract impacted fecal matter.
I'm a proctologist.
- That explains the-- the taste ofthe old butt. - Yeah.
[Man Singing]
[ Continues ]
[Ends ]
[ Vocalizing]
[Ends ]
- Check it out. - [ Beeping ]
- That one works. - [ Beeping ]
[ Beeping Continues ]
- Is it workin'? It's stuck. - The bag's stuck in there?
- The bag's stuck. - Here, well, get it in--
- What's the radioactive symbol for? - Uh--
- Can you get it? - Wait. Okay, wait, push it this way.
- Push it which way? - Yeah.
- That way? - No, th-- No, otherway. Otherway. Otherway.
Please. Otherway. Ow! Motherfucker! Goddamn it!
- Hang on. Hang on, I got it! - Ow! Ahh!
- Oh, don't! - I got it. I got it. I got it.
No, no, no, no! Jesus! Ohh! Ohh!
Please stop it. Please stop it. Ow!
Oh. Hey, okay, okay, okay!
- Oh, my God. - Please, don't move again.
- You never had your wisdom teeth out? - What do you mean?
- I thinkyou might need your wisdom teeth out, bro. - What are wisdom teeth?
Is it goin'? Is it goin'? Do I-- Do I talk now? Do I talk?
Do I look atyou, or do I look into the thing?
You know, they told us just to act natural when the cameras are on...
but, uh, you know, you feel kinda like a--
Feel likeJeffGordon or something with the camera on me all the time.
Wish I had something to say.
Do I look better like this-- 1 0:00 and 1 2:00-- or do I look better like this?
'Cause I could also-- I could roll down a window and do, like-- like this.
- Shit! Fuck! Ow! - [Tires Squealing]